Giving up unBiblical things:.
Today I declare that I am giving up the things I do that are unBiblical. For too long I have ignored critics, shunned their warnings of adopting spiritual practices which are not found in scripture. Ancient Spiritual practices not found in scripture are officially gone from my life. I'm coming back to the Bible in it's literal, infallible, inerrant, absolute rule for my life. If a practice is not found in scripture I'm giving it up.
So Yesterday was my last day to:
Pray the labrynth. - Who knows what kind of evil has entered my mind when I prayed to God in one of these unBiblical things?
Yoga- I'm giving up my yoga practices as I am giving up allowing other non-biblical gods from entering my body while in unbiblical positions.
Meditate (in the bad way)- I pledge to biblically meditate day and night on scripture. Not my Hindu mantras to Vishnu nor my Buddhist chants like my spiritual father, the Dali Lahma.
Contemplative Prayer- I've read the critics and they are right. Prayer where I actually listen to God is not found in the Bible.
I will abandon my gnostic zoronastrian ways - The emerging church is abandoning the bible for gnosticism, and the like. I must give up my incantations and spirit mediations at my local emerging church and obey what the Bible clearly says.
Drive a car - Jesus walked everywhere he went, cars, trucks and SUV's are not Biblical. Bikes are out too.
Blogging: I guess today is the last day for me to blog, or visit the internet, since Al Gore didn't invent this thingy till late in the 20th century. Al Gore needs to be more biblical. If I were to continue blogging I would spend every waking hour consumed by letting the world know about his dangerous invention. But since this is my last blog post. You all are on your own.
Live with electricity - Like my newly adopted father, JC, that is John Calvin, I will disown all things electric, and natural gas. Like my father JC I will find ways to bring the people of the world to a pre-literate society so that today's population will be mostly illiterate, just like the bible days, which leads me to my next biblical issue.
I will forget how to read- scripture was heard in Jesus day, and most people didn't own anything with writing on it, (note to self: give up paper- find some animal skin) I will only listen to God's word, I will never read it. I will unlearn myself everything I will soon forget. (see it's already working) Though forgeting how to read my be difficult, I'm up for the challenge.
I will change my name: You might not think I need to change my name, seeing as it's Mark, and Mark is definitely a Biblical name, it's the Riddle part that needs to change. So now, I will be known as Mark son of Richard. Dang, my dad's name is not biblical at all, it's English. Richard? I need to convince him to change his name so I can be more biblical.
I will start to mistreat my wife: Since women were sorta considered property in the first century, I will suppress my wife, make her cover her head in church, and never speak while there. All of this will being biblical of course.
There I have said it. This is my short list. There is much more to abandon. I will give these things up and more starting today! Good-bye world! Good-bye technology! Good by my former friends (ie. enemies of God)!
Mark son of Richard
Today I declare that I am giving up the things I do that are unBiblical. For too long I have ignored critics, shunned their warnings of adopting spiritual practices which are not found in scripture. Ancient Spiritual practices not found in scripture are officially gone from my life. I'm coming back to the Bible in it's literal, infallible, inerrant, absolute rule for my life. If a practice is not found in scripture I'm giving it up.
So Yesterday was my last day to:
Pray the labrynth. - Who knows what kind of evil has entered my mind when I prayed to God in one of these unBiblical things?
Yoga- I'm giving up my yoga practices as I am giving up allowing other non-biblical gods from entering my body while in unbiblical positions.
Meditate (in the bad way)- I pledge to biblically meditate day and night on scripture. Not my Hindu mantras to Vishnu nor my Buddhist chants like my spiritual father, the Dali Lahma.
Contemplative Prayer- I've read the critics and they are right. Prayer where I actually listen to God is not found in the Bible.
I will abandon my gnostic zoronastrian ways - The emerging church is abandoning the bible for gnosticism, and the like. I must give up my incantations and spirit mediations at my local emerging church and obey what the Bible clearly says.
Drive a car - Jesus walked everywhere he went, cars, trucks and SUV's are not Biblical. Bikes are out too.
Blogging: I guess today is the last day for me to blog, or visit the internet, since Al Gore didn't invent this thingy till late in the 20th century. Al Gore needs to be more biblical. If I were to continue blogging I would spend every waking hour consumed by letting the world know about his dangerous invention. But since this is my last blog post. You all are on your own.
Live with electricity - Like my newly adopted father, JC, that is John Calvin, I will disown all things electric, and natural gas. Like my father JC I will find ways to bring the people of the world to a pre-literate society so that today's population will be mostly illiterate, just like the bible days, which leads me to my next biblical issue.
I will forget how to read- scripture was heard in Jesus day, and most people didn't own anything with writing on it, (note to self: give up paper- find some animal skin) I will only listen to God's word, I will never read it. I will unlearn myself everything I will soon forget. (see it's already working) Though forgeting how to read my be difficult, I'm up for the challenge.
I will change my name: You might not think I need to change my name, seeing as it's Mark, and Mark is definitely a Biblical name, it's the Riddle part that needs to change. So now, I will be known as Mark son of Richard. Dang, my dad's name is not biblical at all, it's English. Richard? I need to convince him to change his name so I can be more biblical.
I will start to mistreat my wife: Since women were sorta considered property in the first century, I will suppress my wife, make her cover her head in church, and never speak while there. All of this will being biblical of course.
There I have said it. This is my short list. There is much more to abandon. I will give these things up and more starting today! Good-bye world! Good-bye technology! Good by my former friends (ie. enemies of God)!
Mark son of Richard
posted by mark at
9:17 PM
22 Comments:
Sadly you won't be reading this. I'd call you but I'm certain you've given up the phone as well.
Been reading EmergentNo, have we?
Mark,
How proud of you we are! You've seen the light. You ARE one of the elect. We were worried there for a while. JC is smiling upon you.
Young Calvinists Society
Nope, not a sarcastic bone in yer body.
good work! very funny.
I hope you weren't planning on hanging on to the Apostles' Creed too . . .
I dont even know where to start on this one. I guess Mark Riddle will never get it. For one thing, of course yoga, labrynth praying, and gnostic ideas are all unbiblical. All one has to do is do a little research and find out that Gnosticism is heretical. Yoga is a form of Eastern Transcendental mind altering prayer that is in no way shape or form connected to the prayers in the Bible.
But what disturbs me even more is that Mark is saying that the mistreatment of women is part of the literal, inerrant Bible. What Bible are you reading or what schooling did you go to Mark. If anything, we see that women were highly regarded in the Bible. Paul has numerous passages on treating wifes with respect. Rahab was treated with respect as she was included in the geneology of Jesus, a taboo among first century Jews. It was women who first saw the empty tomb and to whom the pronouncement of his coming to life was made. If it were a subjagated society, why were women mentioned. Mark, how dare you equate the maltreatment of women with the inerrant, infallible, absolute truth of God's word. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I am sickened as a man that you do think that God, in His word to us, would have us mistreat our wives, downtrodden them, and subjagate them. The word of God is completely contary to that. As a married man to you, I say you need to re-examine where you get the power and authority to love your wife and family. I get mine from the Word of God, the INERRANT, INFALLIBLE, AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH of God's word!
Good day to you!
Chris Lampman
I agree with Chris. Also, why ridicule (by being sarcastic and I hope you weren't on the first three) what the bible says "thou shalt have no other gods before Me." Why support something like Yoga, eastern meditation, etc when those are the worship of things other than the one true God? dh
Mark,
I think that you should refrain from posting on April 1st. There are too many people that have guns drawn and are ready to fire. Maybe you should switch back to recording your thoughts in a notebook.
ben
Yeesh...I guess some folks don't get subtlety of humor. As someone who loves Jesus and the Bible, yet finds himself doing some unBiblical things too, I found this post to be HILARIOUS!
Thanks! Well and truly needed this today.
Peace,
Jamie
Wow, what a commitment! Forgetting to read will prove to be more than a challenge! But we have faith in you. Keep the faith!
C. Keel
http://theologybrief.com
Dude,
You're gettin' a donkey (Luke 19:35-36).
Mark,
You are so funny. Way to stir the pot on April FOOLS Day.
Keep the faith, Dude, and keep writing.
The problem with this post is that not its on Aprils fools but its that Mark is making light of all the stuff that he sees as being "okay" but they are not okay with in Christianity. These Eastern mysticsm practices, labrynths, contemplative prayer, and everything else that the emerging culture is embracing is unbiblical and down right dangerous. We shouldnt even be making light of them as they are seriously affecting the church today and we do not need guys like Mark propogating these practices. You may call me a stick in the mud, and by the way I love to have fun, just ask my friends and family who bear the brunt of it. But when we replace sound BIBLICAL practices and teaching with eastern mysticsm, yoga, and other "transcendental stuff" we risk loosing the minds of the people and fall deeper down the slippery slopes towards heresy.
Francis Schaeffer warned against this when he showed that we crossed the line of despair. The Emergent Movement (if you must call it something) will fade away like all other generation based church fads and will fade into the night like a leaf upon the wind. This movement wont stand for another 15 years, I guarentee it, because you allow postmodern thinking and mysticsm to pervade the truth.
Until that time when Jesus returns to earth I will stick to inerrant, infallible, absolute truth and will not be swayed by the false teachings of the "emergent movement"
Thank you very much!
So, anonymous (above) I guess that you meet in people's houses instead of a church because the Bible says nothing of building a church and meeting in it. All references in the new testament seem to point to meeting in houses. Also, no piano, organ, keyboard of any kind. Get rid of the pulpit and pews as well. Oh, and I believe that the cross is an inaccurate shape compared to the true cross Jesus hung on.... (do you get the point yet?)
-not the anonymous from above.
Hey Anonymous (or "Stick in the Mud")-
How can we ask your friends and family about all the fun you like to have if you don't give us your name.
Please, give us your name and your mom's address, plus the names and phone numbers of all others that can attest to your wonderfully developed sense of humor.
By the way, SITM- can we stone you for your false prophet status in 15 years when it turns out you are wrong about the Emerging Church?
Of course, we would need you name and address to know where to show up with the stones (they are Biblical BTW).
I like yoga.:shrugs shoulders:
BTW anonymous I think you can make case that Paul is not quite as sexist as he sounds sometimes, but he certainly was culturally grounded. I can't imagine how long my wife would last if I treated her in a literally "biblical" manner.
Great post Mark, :)
chk out my blog --i can relate--funny post
Of course jokes on 1st April clearly are of the devil! There is no reference to pratical jokes in the bible and to induce mirth would be irrevent to the solemn christian regime and make me forget the serious purpose of outworking my salvation ..... :) :)
Memo
From the official unbiblical committee:
We regret to inform you that you must give up John Calvin in your quest to be biblical. There is no reference to John Calvin in the sacred texts, King James the Authorized version of course.
:-)
Great post, don't forget to get rid of shoes and don't you dare eat food sacrificed to idols..
Hilarious.
Except it wasn't. Why make fun at the expense of others who are trying to serve and follow Christ and happen to disagree with you? Can you not let it go, even on April Fools' Day?
The "insiders" get it and the outsiders are jumped upon by those who wish to close their ears to possible good advice and warnings, certain they've found the narrow gate. Why is it narrow? It is easy to miss, especially when we flip on our cruise control and figure we know we're right. I've never been happier to be an outsider. Have your joke. You do yourself a disservice.
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